no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
