she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
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