My boss' voice literally gives me gas
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
