Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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