I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
