saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
