What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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