it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
