I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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