I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
