Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
