Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
