She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
