apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
How's work?
Spinning.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
