i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
