I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
