I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
