After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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