just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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