we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
