I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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