I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
