I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
