unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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