I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I touched a dick in church today
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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