You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
