I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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