On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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