I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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