she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize