Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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