Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
