I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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