Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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