I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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