Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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