She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
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