that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
