For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
