Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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