Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
