You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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