I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
