pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
It was a blind-side dick pic.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
