I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
