My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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