We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Dating After Heartbreak
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.