Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.