i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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