So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Randomize
