I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
