I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
