if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
