wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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