you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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