Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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