Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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