So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
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It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
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I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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