I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Randomize
