you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
